CrisisKainota

I can't figure out what's worse, feeling like every day is a dream and being afraid of waking up in hell or realizing it's not a dream and you're already there. I live my life in the twilight, the haze of darkness and light, where every fleeting moment of happiness is treasured and never expected. Who I was is not who I am nor who I will be, so don't expect me to be that person. She is a fluid concept, a shadow out of the corner of the eye, a trick of the light, a mirage on the horizon. Blink and you'll miss it.

Don't ask me to be brave, that part of me has forgotten how to be brave. Don't ask me to decide, that part of me is buried in the fear of disappointing someone. Don't ask me to back down, I won't sell my soul for a lie. I will try to understand your point of view if only you will have the patience to explain to me every single angle, for I am over-analytical and even then have extreme difficulty choosing one way or the other. I am aware that I don't always make sense and no one will ever understand how frustrating that is just to myself, let alone the frustration it creates in those that I so desperately want to understand.

Please don't mistake my silence for absence, I've not gone anywhere, I'm still here. I'm just waiting. I've never been here before, this is all new. How can I just walk away? Don't say that it's not fair that you're not the person you want to be, I've a feeling I've lost more than you'll ever see. Don't throw everything I've ever done wrong in my face, you cannot even begin to fathom the hell I live in every day, the parts of me that grieve every pain as if it were brand new. Every wound is still fresh, they don't heal, I've just learned to change the bandages.

So don't give up on me, don't write me off. Your presence in my silence is more valuable than any material thing. I'm going to push you away, I'm going to hurt you, just please know that I don't do so intentionally. It's just who I am. I hope one day to change that ugly part of me. I just don't know how.

Crisis