Not that I care much for baring my soul to people I only know through a mutual love and respect for art and creativity, but I need to get this out and DA is one of my more private accounts. Warning, my Christian friends, this may be offensive so please don't read any further if you're just gonna get mad. I warned you.
I've been contemplating my fate the past few days and it's just so depressing... I mean, 30 days in jail isn't so bad when you compare it to 2-4 yrs in prison, but even so, I'm terrified, I'm angry, I'm slowly becoming withdrawn from pretty much everyone. I'm just pissed off. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to talk to anyone cuz I just feel like they are humoring me. *pets head* "There, there, it'll be alright." I feel misunderstood and very, very alone. I don't know anyone that can level with me right now either cuz I don't know anyone that has went thru what I'm going thru. And my family are all like Jesus freaks now, even my Mom which is even more annoying than when she was athiest! Force feed your spoon-fed bullshit to someone without an functioning brain and will to think for themselves cuz I ain't buyin' it! God didn't put me here and God sure as hell isn't going to get me out of it! I'm alone, as usual, pulling myself out of a hole I dug with my own words/actions.
I'm damaged. I'm broken. I'm so jaded and cynical that I can't trust a single soul, and that sucks. I'm ready for my past to disappear, I'm sick and tired of everything I've ever done being thrown up in my face! I'm not that person anymore, can't you see that?! I know you don't trust me to change, but I honestly don't give a flying fuck. You can't hurt me anymore. Your approval of who I am is no longer needed. That ship has long sailed. You failed. You were supposed to nurture me, instill in me that I could do and be anything but all I ever was and will be is a failure. I'm too afraid to try and if I don't try, I won't fail. But not trying in itself is really the same thing as failing. And now, 24 yrs later, you finally see the light? You FINALLY see you were wrong? And you really expect me to buy that?! I thought I could forgive you if you just admitted you were wrong, I thought I could let it go if you just said you were sorry, but I'm still angry. All my life, I just wanted you to support me, to validate me, but now that you do, I just want you to go away. You can't hurt me anymore.